Don't Play With Fire, Unless You Can Handle Getting Burned

Boy, that was along post, wasn't it? Anywho, That's kind of being revised at the moment to fill in little bits and pieces, but the main outline is all there... I wonder if anyone actually bothered to read the entire thing? And since I stole Laura's phrase, I will end with, Bah......

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 31, 2004 20:47 | link | comments (4)
journals

Still being worked on, not finished yet, still have quite a bit to go back and add

A Brief, yet personal look into what makes me tick. This is the truth, well from what I can remember, if you have a problem with it I don’t care.

I suppose If I am going to talk about what makes me tick, I should talk about my past. I can tell you now that my past has made me the person I am today, both better and worse. I suppose my current mindset start after my first real radical personality shift around 10^th grade. This was when I met Ryan. Ryan, well, how do I put this…? Ryan Is a unique individual. Sometimes nice, sometimes evil, always Ryan though. Well, Ryan brought quite an interesting change of personality in me, he made me easier to be around, more self-confident and best of all more care-free.

So now we fast-forward through my sophomore year of high school, not to much happened drastically there. I was in the madrigals choir which I enjoyed a lot and that was how I met most of my friends in High School. Anyways, let’s move on. The day I started my junior year in high school, I was feeling pretty good about myself. On the first day of choir I noticed this blond girl who just happened to be new in choir. Well, needless to say, A 5 and a half foot blond haired girl with blue eyes almost always catches my eye and she most certainly did. I never really got much of a chance to talk to her for the first few weeks of school even though I was dying to do so, but it just so happened that Madrigals Choir auditions were the third week of September. I usually stayed after at school most of the week, not necessarily to do much of anything but rather just to chill with my friends. Well, I knew that she was going to be trying out for madrigals so I hung around the choir room, and waited or her to finish her audition. When she came out I remember her looking a little flustered, as does most anyone after going through an audition. So I told her she did a good job and we continued talking for a while. Lucky for me we had after school rehearsals on Monday nights, so next week, I asked her if she wanted to go grab some coffee in between when school got out and when the rehearsal started. We chatted a bunch and we decided we would do the same thing again next week. So the next week, Heather, Miranda, and I decided we were all going to walk down to Starbucks, but I stole Miranda’s umbrella and Heather and I walked all the way to Starbucks huddled under this tiny umbrella, I guess it was about then that I decided that I really liked her. There were many more incidents leading up to me asking her out, a dance, actually two dances. But At the second one I finally asked her out. And so began the relationship of Justin and Heather.

Moving on to that relationship, there were some serious obstacles in pursuing this relationship, Heather came from a unique familial situation and her father refused to acknowledge my existence. This made normal tings like calling her rather difficult. He was always looking for a reason to bash me to her. Anywho, long story made short, her dad will make further return appearances later in the relationship. Heather and I went on a few dates, upon which time I realized how absolutely crazy I had become over her. I fell so hard it wasn’t even funny. However, Heather was, how should we say, inexperienced in the ways of many aspects of relationships. The first time she came over to my house for dinner, we ended up watching In Love and War, I hate sappy romantic drama’s they are lame. But she had never been kissed, so that was a new experience for her, not that I was horribly experienced at that point in my life anyways. I told her I loved her, and you’ll never believe what her response was, “No you don’t” I believe that was the most shocking response I’ve ever got to making that statement. Well, the next day her friend Cody, Im’ed me and told me that I had gone and seriously freaked her out, and told me that she was probably going to break up with me. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy. When I saw her the next day at school I was very distant to her, because I wasn’t going to let myself get set up for the fall. However, eventually I confronted her about the whole thing, and after the 3^rd lap around the school on the walk we decided to take, we eventually got everything all worked out. She still got squirrelly anytime I ever tried to tell her that I loved her though. Let’s fast-forward. The main problems I had in the relationship between Heather and I was:

A) I am a very giving person; I basically let her walk all over me at every opportunity and never stood up for myself because I was afraid of getting hurt.

B) Heather seemed to have this belief that relationships just magically worked out on their own, and that she shouldn’t have to do anything to make them work.

C) She wasn’t as considerate of how her circumstances effected me, and I spent a lot of time trying to make her feel better about her situation while the whole time I was crying out for the same on the inside

I remember sometime around Christmas, was our first major blow-out. I had basically gotten sick of the things listed above happening over and over again. I knew that if I confronted her with all of this it wouldn’t end well, so I commissioned a few friends to help me out, the aforementioned Miranda, and another friend, Ludin. Basically I sent them to tell her that if she didn’t change her tune real quick I was going to break up with her. Well, she modified her behavior just enough so that I wouldn’t break up with her, but these problems continued to recur over and over and over. Fast forward, we are now in early march. This is what I call the peak of our relationship, I got a Valentine’s Day card signed I love you from Heather, upon which I promptly just about died from happiness. Heather b-day and our anniversary was on the 25^th of March, and we spent most of that day walking around Downtown D.C, one of the best days of my life. That whole month was probably the best of our relationship. Also in March, the NY trip. Our choir decided to take a trip to New York. So while on the trip it was the only time in our relationship that I didn’t have to worry about her father being a dick and such. It was amazing to have so much freedom to be around her and I really enjoyed it, that period probably ranks among the top three times in my life. Let’s go to April, it was at this point when the aforementioned list of problems started to bug me again, but this time I decided she was going to have to figure out for herself this time. We had prom in May, which was a blast, but her father made her come home right after the dance while every single other one of my friends stayed at the school’s after-prom party. That was the final straw in my mind, and this began the point in which I began the process o severing the emotional attachment I had with her. This cutting of the proverbial cord was facilitated by my friend Ryan, who personally thought that she was a manipulative bitch, I use his words not mine. Anyways, we fast forward to June, and Heather and I had a gigantic blow-up over the phone, in which she basically blew up over something that I considered to be very minor. She hung up on me, which absolutely enraged me to the point I almost went over to her house and ended it right there, but I decided that I would wait. Fast Forward, June 14, Ryan is the first person that I tell my little secret. I told him I was going to break up with Heather. He is obviously happy because at this point the relationship between her and I had basically been like trying to swim with a cement block attracted to both legs. I start sending subtle messages by not calling her and ignoring most of her phone calls, I wanted to meet her somewhere neutral to do the deed. However, do to what I think was the biggest problem of our relationship it couldn’t be arranged that way. I list

D) The reason I broke up with Heather, this is the first time I’ve ever told this to anyone other than Ryan… The reason that I broke up with Heather was that she wouldn’t stand up for me to her father. I was tired of living in the shadows of her life. I was sick of being treated like a second rate boyfriend, especially since at this point she says she loves me. But most of all, I’m tired of not getting any consideration after all that I have put myself through to make her happy. (Reference example: On one of our anniversaries, I spent $55 on a bouquet of flowers which I surprised her with in the middle of chemistry class) that example was just one of the many things I did because I cared about her happiness more than mine. But eventually it just became too much to handle and I lost it. I knew it would happen eventually, I was just hoping it wouldn’t.

So let’s move on to the day I break up with her, since she would never make time for me, I decided I was going to break up with her on my terms. Just to give you an example of the way that I do things. I spent about 2.5 hours that morning getting ready, I borrowed a pair of sunglasses from Ryan, dressed up in my favorite “red shirt” and jeans. I made sure that everything about me was absolutely perfect, why? Because I wanted her to see what she could have had but thrown away. I wanted her to know what she was going to be missing and I wanted her to remember me at my best. When I snap, I get vicious and this was me at my most sadistic. You don’t fuck me over and get away with it. I went to her work to visit her, and when she came out I handed her back her ring, and told her I couldn’t do this anymore. She looked quite shocked, and then I left. I went right over to Amanda’s house after that, my hands were shaking. Later that night my best friends, whom I refer to as “the group” went out to go bowling, where I made the official announcement of my new relationship status, everyone was happy for me, because they, unlike Heather knew how miserable I had become because of that relationship. However, as much as I wanted to just move on with my life, lingering emotional attachments to her remained and these will come into play later.

The Transition Period

Being single was quite a new experience for me, having not been so for 9.5 months. I spent the entire summer hanging out with the group, in what was quite possibly the best time of my life. Enjoyed that more than anything else I’ve ever done. Let’s move on to the end of the summer, when I met Betsy. Betsy, probably the most different person from my usual dating style. Betsy, was my intellectual equal, and was the obvious conclusion to the relationship from Heather, that I needed someone who cared to understand how I felt rather than just assume that everything was okay. Well, this relationship started about mid-August. I never felt really attached t Betsy, and god she was a horrible kisser. I think Betsy was my rebound relationship from Heather. Well, just to show how evil I can be when upset. On the first day of school I wore the exact same outfit I had worn when I broke up with Heather, because I knew she would be in choir. Needless to say, she was visibly upset, and spent a lot of time glaring at me. Back to Betsy, it didn’t last very long. After about a month I realized that it wasn’t going to work, but the night I was going to break up with her she told me she loved me. I was floored… I decided to do the only thing I felt morally right about. Rather than break up with her, I was going to let her break up with me. The main reason was that, if I had broken up with her then she would have been heartbroken, rather than if I convinced her to break up with me, she wouldn’t be in love with me, and the ensuing aftermath would be 10 times easier for her to handle. Unfortunately only Ryan understood this plan, Miranda Betsy’s best friend took sides on the break-up, and needless to say that was the end of our friendship.

The Single Period

Betsy was done, and Heather was getting ready to go to Thailand. This was the state around late-September. Well, this was where the lingering emotional attachments I had to Heather came back into play. Heather and I hooked up right before she left for Thailand, and conversed back and forth while she was in Thailand. This was the state that I continued in throughout most of my senior year until about March.

Christina a.k.a Evil Bitch Woman #1

Christina, was a girl that I met at a friend of a friends birthday party, we hit it off right from the start, the party was at an ice rink and we spent almost the entire time flirting, and me pushing her around and the two of us falling all over each other on the ice. It was probably #4 on the list of greatest nights. Christina was just as emotionally intense as I was, and I thought we were a perfect fit. The two of us began a quite heated relationship. There was lots of skipping school to stay home and fool around in my basement. That was probably the craziest most fun thing I ever did. Well, I totally fell for her and she led me to believe that she had totally fallen for me. Fast forward, prom night… Well we had a great prom, I had a blast, and then we went on a cruise for the after party. After we got back all of a sudden she became strangely distant to me. I really don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden I found myself in the middle of Chevy Chase, Maryland, 55 miles from home with no ride. I totally lost it, broke down and cried. It was utterly horrible. Needless to say I never really saw much of her again.

Single Period

Well, it was at about this time that I decided that I was just going to try and enjoy life. However, I am a very emotionally intense person, so being alone usually gives me way too much time to think about things I probably shouldn’t think about. I began to question my own self-image. Questions like what people saw in me, and whether or not I was attractive became questions that would not leave me alone when I would try and go to sleep at night. This became quite tiresome, and eventually I kind of drove myself into a bit of depression. As strong willed and independent as I can be, I have this propensity to want to have someone else to care for, and that cares for me. This period covers most of my freshman year in college. As I went through the year, I made several friends but did not make any new close friends, this was a problem as my previous friends from high school and several of them that attended Mason, grew further and further away from me. I was being isolated and I didn’t really like it at all, this was annoying.

Fattema

Fattema, boy this was a complex short lived relationship. I don’t really know much of what to say about this one. At some point my friend Jason, introduced me to this girl, Fattema. We kind of hit it off, and I probably being somewhat emotionally desperate flung myself into the relationship far too quickly. I think my main problem with this relationship was that I threw myself into the relationship so fast that I actually scared myself out of it. There were many other mitigating issues, my father, who works for the CIA, was very very against the idea of me dating a foreign national, coupled with my paranoia I eventually just ended up freaking out and ending the relationship, albeit strangely by trying to push her away by not really talking with her. For more information on the relationship between her and I, I invite you to check out her blog. http://hollahatthefatty.motime.com and see her post entitled “The Chase”

Single, yet again

Single, again. This time I was even unhappy about my current state and was also going through some serious health issues, it was not a good time for me. The emotional distancing by my friends was really starting to wear on me, and I eventually sank deeper and deeper into this emotional void. With no one to really be there for me I seriously began to question whether or not there was something wrong with me and so on and so forth. Throughout the rest of my freshman year I had several almost starts of relationships but nothing ever really panned out the way that I wanted it too.

Lindsay… (A.k.a Evil Bitch Woman Supreme)

Her Name is forbidden to be spoken around me

Writing about this relationship is going to be very emotionally draining for me. Lindsay was a girl that I had know for a while, I met her my senior year in high school, she was a sophomore at the time. I always thought that she was cute, and that she had this special something about her, that made me want to be near her. I happened to run into her at Panera in August of 2003. She was helping out at Band Camp that my sister was attending so I told her that we would talk later. One day as I went to pick up my sister, I just so happened to bump into her (actually I totally planned it) but we got to talking and I asked her if she wanted to o grab some coffee sometime. Eventually, after about another half hour of conversation my sister pulled me away and I promised her that we would grab coffee. Fast forward a week, I met her for coffee at Panera, it was at this point in which I discovered I really liked her, in more than a friendship way. But I didn’t want to say anything or speed into it too fast like last time. So, we spent about an hour and a half talking at Panera, and I asked her out to dinner. She accepted, and the chase was on. I decided that I would be more subtle and allowed her to figure out herself that I liked her. I posted a poem that I had written about her, in my profile. The night I went to pick her up for dinner, she asked me whom I had written the poem about, I told her I wasn’t going to tell her… I kind of had the feeling that she knew I had written it about her. It was fairly obvious… Later that night after dinner, I took her out to one of my favorite chill spots, where we threw out a blanket and stargazed for quite a while. There was much conversing over meaningless things. The only memorable comment that was made was about wishing on shooting stars. Well the conversation continued and eventually she had to go. As we were leaving a plane flew overhead, and I said “well, it’s not shooting star, but I still have a wish that I’m making…” She asked what it was, and I told her I figured she knew. She did, and I leaned over and kissed her. My heart was going about a trillion miles an hour. I dropped her off at home, upon which we promptly spent the next 3 hours flirting and talking on AIM. I was hooked, and I had done exactly what I had tried to be careful not to do. I had fallen like a lead brick in the middle of the ocean. There were many problems initially in the relationship. It was in some ways very similar to Heather and mine’s relationship. We experienced several of the main problems. There were several dates, and then I was talking to her on the phone lone night, and as my friend Alex arrived, she had to get off the phone. As she said goodbye, she said “I love you” at which point I totally flipped out. Because I knew I was in love with her but I didn’t want to say anything and freak her out a la Heather Style. I spent the rest of the night in a state of euphoria. The next time I saw her I asked her about it, and her reply was that she said it because it just felt right to her. I was on cloud 9. The relationship continued but around November everything changed. Lindsay seemed to grow more and more colder towards me all the while I was trying to help her, she said she was having emotional problems that she didn’t want to talk about. Needless to say, I should have seen this as a big bright warning light. I continued to try to help her as she continued to push my help away. But she would still say that she loved me, I was becoming increasingly confused by all of this. Another major problem was that she would keep blowing stuff of, or always be late. She never seemed to care about my feelings, and basically just bitched about how badly she was feeling all the time. I was going through some very rough medical periods at the time myself. As a matter of fact I spent several nights in the Emergency Room, with some health issues. Well, things continued to get worse, yet for some reason I couldn’t seem to emotionally distance myself from her. I was truly in love with her, that kind of unconditional love, that no matter how badly the other person treats you; you just can’t help but still love them. Our relationship was emotionally abusive towards me, and it was really starting to have an impact on not only my emotional well-being but my physical well being also. November 14^th. Oh boy, about a week before I had told Lindsay what I was feeling and she had told me she was sorry and that she would do whatever it took to make this work. I had talked to her the previous night and she had seemed strange, like she was sad. I told her that I would call her the next night, but it would probably be late, because I had to go in for a Biopsy, and I had two exams that day/night. Well, fast forward to November 14^th at 700 pm. I was just getting ready for my computer science exam, the second exam of the day for me. I still had the bandage on my neck from where they had done the biopsy, and I was really feeling like shit. I got a phone call, but it only rang once, my phone was/is stupid like that. It sent the message directly to voice mail. Well I figured I would check the message after I looked over my notes one last time. After I finished going over my notes, I called my voice-mail service to check my messages. Right away I knew something was wrong, Lindsay’s mother was the one calling me. Lindsay had gotten her mother to call and break up with me over my cell phone voice mail. I totally flipped out. I struggled to sit down, but I missed the chair and fell over, combined with my medical test I had taken that day I literally felt sick. I went to the bathroom and threw up twice. However, I still had the exam left to take, so I sat down and started on my exam. About 20 minutes into the exam, I hadn’t answered a single question; all I could think about was Lindsay. After about another 3 minutes I broke down, sobbing in the middle of class. Not the kind of light crying like when you see someone slightly upset. I soaked my scantron with tears; my professor came over to me and asked me if something was up. I promptly handed her the exam told her I would explain later and ran out of the classroom. On my way out, I threw up outside as I was running over to the Johnson Center. I had promised to meet my friends there later. So I sat there on the couch for an hour and a half, trying to hold back tears, but it wasn’t working. I made it all of 5 minutes before I burst out into tears again. Never before in my entire life, had I ever felt like that. At that point I completely lost it; my whole world had turned upside down. I know it’s hard to imagine. Most of you are probably reading this thinking; he must be some kind of sappy idiot. You would be wrong; I was more in love with her than I was with life itself. I would have done anything for her; the previous week on the phone I had asked her to try to be more considerate of my feelings in the future. She had promised she would and told me that she wanted to make me happy because she loved me, I guess what she really meant to say was, “I’m sorry I’m a stupid bitch, who just wants toastier I want, whenever I want…” I was so gone it wasn’t even funny. I called up a few of my friends from the phone in the middle of campus. I called up Stephanie, who is now one of my best friends, and I said “Steph, I need you to come here” she said what’s up? Upon which I promptly replied, if you don’t come here right now I think I might totally lose it. She was having trouble understanding what I was saying as it’s hard to communicate over the telephone with a person who’s sobbing at the other end. Eventually my friends showed up, and as soon as they got within 50 feet of me they knew something was seriously wrong. Ryan came straight up to me and all it took was one look and he knew exactly what had gone down. He immediately looked over at me and said “Do I need to put a hurtin’ on her?” I laughed; Ryan was always good at making me laugh. I didn’t sleep at all for the next 3 days. I hardly could get up and go to class, the only reason that I kept going was so that I wouldn’t just spend all of my time thinking about it. It only went downhill from there, I tried to call her/e-mail her, to find out what the fuck had happened, but she never returned any of my calls. Eventually about a week later I got a response. One which I will never forget. Basically she blamed it on me, and that asking for her to care about my feelings was being too demanding. At that point I almost went over to her house knocked on the door and beat the living shit out of her. If I didn’t have a moral platitude about hitting women, I can seriously say I would have smacked her so hard; she would have had to get plastic surgery. I spent the next few weeks trying to recuperate.

Cancer of the Soul (a.k.a Fuck You Lindsay)

I began writing a lot more poetry, whereas most of the poetry I had been writing was romantic poetry for Lindsay, I began to write hate poetry, full of angst and about my feelings towards her. I would share some of these poems, but my book is pending publishing and I’ll just post them on motime later. I had lost my sense of reality and the only thing that kept me alive was my friends, without them… I’m not even going to get into what thoughts were going through my head at the time. Needless to say, I spent the next three months going though various other medical related shit. I had several more biopsies and was started on a light dosage of drugs to keep my tumor in check. All of this while trying to deal with the absolute emotional heartbreak I was still experiencing. It was in this time that I completed my book, the aptly titled “Cancer of the Soul” It made sense to me for many reasons. There is obviously the medical connotation in the problems that I was dealing with physically at the time. But also in a more abstract meaning, I began to hate love. Thus I wrote a poem that referred to love, as being a cancer of the soul. I meant it too. It took me until about Mid-April before I truly calmed back down again. I had a brief rebound relationship that lasted a few weeks, but it was not of any significance, rather just me trying to gain some grasp as to what was going on around me. Lindsay, e-mailed me telling me she had a problem with the way I was writing about her in my book. My response to anything about that is “Fuck Off! If you come anywhere near me I’ll file a restraining order on your ass. I’m only printing the truth, and you can’t commit slander by stating facts”

Now

We now arrive at the present time. I am still bitter, but I am over Lindsay. It took me a long time to do it, 6 months to recuperate from a 4 month relationship. But I am now ready to throw myself back into the pool. That is if anyone really wants me, since Lindsay I’ve had a hard time finding people to date. I don’t know what the problem is, maybe I’m just ugly, or something like that. I really don’t know. All I know is that I am ready to give myself to someone again. It won’t be until then that I will be able to completely block the past relationship out of my mind, to be replaced with my true self. I want more than anything in the world, to care for someone. I have an innate capacity to care for other people. Usually far more than they care about me, which goes for a lot of my friends. Most of my friends, do stuff that really pisses me off, but I let it go, because I am a nice person. Unfortunately, look at what being a nice person has gotten me so far. A minor heartbreak and in the case of Lindsay, almost complete and total self-destruction. I just hope that eventually I will be able to meet someone who knows what they want, and that what they want is me. I really want to find that someone. But in the meantime, I’m just going to have to wait it out and see what happens.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 30, 2004 23:36 | link | comments (7)
writings

Well, I am in the process of writing the collective, definitive story of my love life. It' s gonna be long and I'm going to post it here. It will probably piss some people off, I dunno. I figure it will be done in a few days...

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 30, 2004 12:40 | link | comments
journals

going on a mini-trip be back sometimes Sunday

or not.............................................................

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 29, 2004 12:34 | link | comments (1)
journals

So.................................... Long time no post for me, I guess I'm falling down on the job? Anyways, I've just been doing that whole work/school thing, and let me to tell ya it's really starting to get old. Other than that, I've just been trying to hang out with my friends. Well, at least the ones who are there when they wsay they wil be. I kinda got stood up by one of my best friends lst night. She was like I'll be over at 530, when it reached 700 and I hadn't gotten a phone cal, I tried calling,. No answer, so eventually I just made plans with other people, about 745 she calls me and is Like yeah...... so I'm coming over now, and I was like, I alredy made plans. I hate it when people do that shit. Especially friends. The only thing that pisses me off more than a friend doing that is a gf doing that, that's almost a deathblow. But I digress, I've just kinda been looking for things to keepy myself occupied, and right now I'm going to pick up new allergy medicine. Yay!!! LAters

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 29, 2004 09:57 | link | comments (1)
journals

Well, I'm bored now. I still have a speech to write. Yay.... (sarcasm) Anyways, I haven't really been up to much, just a whole lot of working and then a whole lot of going to school and doing hw. Again other than that, I try to find timme to help my friends out with stuff. Basically leaving absolutely no time for myself. Not cool. Well, on the bright side, my summer class is 3/10 over, we only have 10 class meetings, and it ends on June 17th so I will be happy when that happens. Other than that, "Other than that" is my phrase for the day. Because I said so, bah (dismissive hand gesture). Anywho, I'm going to go to bed now, I have to go to work at the early hour of 7 tmrw. ewwwwww......... I still don't know how I made it through high school somteimes. Later Guys

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 25, 2004 19:40 | link | comments (1)
journals

Song of the now: New Found Glory, Failure's Not Flattering

What's your problem? 
Can't you see it? 
And you go and blow it 
Like everyone knows you will 

Don't leave this rock unturned 
'Cause you could like what you find 
A sure shot hit 
With your name attached to it 
Will you keep me in mind? 
I won't cast the first stone 
Or leave the first mark 
But I will leave a lasting impression 
You believe what you want 
And you said what's been said 
And I do hope you learn a lesson 
Ohh, do hope you learn a lesson 

What's your problem? 
Can't you see it? 
And you go and blow it 
Like everyone knows you will 

Don't look too hard for what you want 
'Cause it could be on the tip of your tounge 
You're holding back 
Like there's nothing left to it 
Could this be a false alarm? 
I won't cast the first stone 
Or leave the first mark 
But I will leave a lasting impression 
You believe what you want 
And you said what's been said 
And I do hope you learn a lesson 
Ohh, do hope you learn a lesson 

What's your problem? 
Can't you see it? 
And you go and blow it 
Like everyone knows you will 

Why don't you get it together now 
Failure's not flattering 
When will you show yourself? 
When will you show yourself? 
Ohh, do hope you learn a lesson 
Ohhhh, you'll never learn your lesson 

What's your problem? 
Can't you see it? 
And you go and blow it 
Like everyone knows you will 

What's your problem? 
Can't you see it? 
And you go and blow it 
Like everyone knows you will

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 25, 2004 05:18 | link | comments
journals

Today was one of those days where I wish life just would have left me alone...

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 24, 2004 19:06 | link | comments
journals

Okay, so more about my first week on the job. Ummmmmm, it's interesting and I'm learning all sorts of things, some things I know now I wish I didn't. It is a completely different experience working a job with a security clearance, for instance, I can't take any of my work or any papers relating to work out of hte building. That does make it easy to avoid having to bring work home, seeing as how it's illegal. Also, noone gives a damn about my comings and going, I just go out for lunch whenever I feel like it and leave whenever I've finished working. All they care is that I get my 40 hours done. It is pretty sweet. On a related note, I am also working on some new music related stuff, and a bunch of new poetry, but most of it is crap so I most likely won't end up posting it. Some of it isn't too bad though so I have a feeling that if I'm not completely swamped by my work + summer session classes, I'll get some of it up this week. Otherwise I'll put something up this coming weekend. Alriighty y'all. I'm going to try to find something to do that doesn't involve being bored. Later

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 23, 2004 18:04 | link | comments
journals

So anyways, I'm just sitting around basking in the joy that is complete and utter laziness. I'm gonna go chill with some friends and be lazy Mwa ha ha. ohhhhh, it doesn't sound as funny when I type it...... Lame....

Anywho, I'm out, I'll post something more substantial on Sunday

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 22, 2004 18:23 | link | comments
journals

So yeah, I've been busy bsy busy. However, I have been enkoying myself, and learnign to live on less sleep. It's great. I'm almost back to the point I was way back in High School. Back when I could go on only 4-5 hours of sleep. I'm not quite there yet, I'm getting there though. Hopefully I will , that way I will have time to do work, school, and have some left over time to chill with my friends.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 20, 2004 20:03 | link | comments (1)
journals

Work, School, Get a speeding ticket (dammit), etc..... LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 19, 2004 19:46 | link | comments (1)
journals

Work, School, 5 hours of sleep. Rinse, then repeat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Well at least it's only communications and not particle physics or somtehing lame like that. Anyways, I'm off to class now. I'll post something subtantial; on tomorrow night. Later

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 18, 2004 14:52 | link | comments
journals

Early bed-time, my first day of work is tomorrow.  Wish me good luck.....  Oh, boy.  I'm a little nervous

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 16, 2004 20:37 | link | comments (1)

So, anyways... Back to more of my philosophical ranting about life, love, and a certain person who's name is forbidden to be spoken near me. Anyways, so this week has been really really really uneventful, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the time to myself. I suppose it's just that I haven't had any free time in such a while that getting so much of it at one time just overload's my brain. The other thing I really don't like about having all of this free time is that it givs me entirely too much time to think about things, people, etc... I still can't believe I made it through this semester. Without some of my friends, most namely, Ryan, Steph, Sung, and Jas, I highly doubt that I would have made it to this point. It's nice to not be depressed anymore, but I still have a lot of hate inside of me. The only thing about that is it worries me that I might unleash it on someone who doesn't deserve it. (Boy, I wouldn't know anything about being mis-treated would I????) Now thanks to a certain someone I'm almost afraid of relationships, but I'm putting myself out there, cuz that's the only way I'm going to get over it. This has been a slow transition for me, but I like the me that depends on other people, more than the person that I have been over the past 4-5 months. I've finally come to the realization that some people just suck. And there's nothing you can do about it (other than secretly plot to kill them, hehehe) Anywho, I'm out for now... I've got some people coming over and we are going to play games, and have fun, and hopefully avoid all these stupid cicadas............................ Later

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 15, 2004 17:17 | link | comments
writings

Song Of The Day, Blink 182

Time To Break Up:

Im sick of always hearing all the sad songs on the radio All day, it is there to remind an oversensitive guy that he's lost and alone, yeah I hate our favorite resturant favorite movie our favorite show We would stay up all through the night we would laugh and get high and never answer the phone I can't forgive, can't forget, can't give in what went wrong? 'cause you said this was right You fucked up my life I'm sick of always hearing sappy love songs on the radio This place, it's fucking cursed in it's plague and I can never escape when my heartache explodes I can't forgive, can't forget, can't give in what went wrong? 'cause you said this was right You fucked up my life I'm kicking, out fiercely at the world around me what went wrong?

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 14, 2004 15:12 | link | comments
journals

*sigh...... I'm really really not feeling well right now. Oh well.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 14, 2004 10:14 | link | comments
journals

Okay, so I'm totally spazzing right now. I want my grades..... NOW!!!!!!!!

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 13, 2004 18:32 | link | comments
journals

Well, I've been thouroughly un-inspired recently. I've just ben working on music stuff. It's a good break from the grind of school, although I really just wish I could go to sleep for like 3 days straight, cuz that's about what I need at this point. I'm definetly going to work on getting some serious sleep though, Ill probly croak if I don't. Anyways, if anyone feels particularly bored, more than likely I'll be at my computer doing random miscellaneous stuff so you can always IM me. Later All

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 12, 2004 23:24 | link | comments
journals

Okay, First legitimate post of the summer, or at least what will be my short-lived summer bvreak. I start work at the Agency on Monday, yay.... I also start summer session on Tuesday, so the month of june will be quite hectic. Anyways, Tom Just got here and we are going to get food and play HALO.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 12, 2004 09:40 | link | comments
journals

fire fire fire fire....... I am so hyper right now........

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 11, 2004 18:41 | link | comments
journals

DONE!!!!

Initiate Compress Justin's Brain Algorithm Now................................

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 11, 2004 09:20 | link | comments
journals

No one knows who they are
We're all too caught up looking at someone else
Building ourselves up instead of tearing ourselves down
What do we get ourselves into?
There is no self satisfaction
To find who you are you must
Destroy what you have become
Hit bottom
Give up
Lost in oblivion
Let it all go
You'll be untouchable
Rid yourself of influence
Chaos and destruction of the soul
When you have nothing
You will then realize how pathetic you really are
We are all just decaying lumps of flesh and blood
Worms feast on our dead bodies
Let’s live for a reason
Not for ourselves
Not for humanity
Find something to hold on to
Anything.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 10, 2004 18:42 | link | comments
poetry

Okay........................... Physics............................. Final Exam................... Oh Boy....................... This is gonna be hard. I do believe this class is quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever taken in school. If I can make it through this, then I will be proud. Just a little more studying and then sleepytime because the exam is at 730am. Wish me luck, PLEASE!!!!!!!

Later

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 10, 2004 18:39 | link | comments (1)
journals

Well, I just finished my Philosophy Paper, all 2800 words of it. I'm pretty proud, 10 pages in about 4 hours, I didn't know if I still had those paper writing skills left in me. Luckily I do, although I still need to edit it. Oh well, Now all that is left is physics, then I am done.... I will definetly be happy when everything is over and done with.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 09, 2004 23:53 | link | comments
journals

<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">There's no moon out tonight, I walk alone through the darkness of the woods, the same woods in which I have spent many countless hours of my childhood traipsing around, making fort's and playing war.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Although, tonite it seems strangely unfamiliar, with no flashlight to guide me, I am truly reminded of how greatly darkness can influence your perception.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Every sound amplified, every snap of a twig for some reason almost evokes a certain amount of fear.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Is someone there??? What was that noise??<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Nothing, I tell myself, my mind is just playing tricks on me.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I step further into the dark abyss, unceratin of my destination.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As I continue into the woods, I am enveloped by the darkness furhter.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Alone, with no one to hear me, I scream out.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>To whom I do not know...<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As I stand here seemingly in the middle of nowhere, I am filled with a certain sense, that someone is watching.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Again I tell myself that my mind is playing games with me.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I decide to listen more intently.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>All of a sudden I see a strange light moving about in the distance, this light is moving, at great speed, and flying in a seemingly radnom fashion, yet somehow with a pattern to this madness.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As I watch the light, I hear the crush of leaves, as if someone was walking.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I suddenly feel alive, more alive than I have felt in a long time.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As I continue to watch this light and listen to the noise all of a sudden the sounds disappear, and I swear that I can hear a person breathing.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I tell myself that nothing is there, yet for some reason I fear what is out there.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Could there really be someone out there?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Or, is it more likely that somehow the light represnts the constant state of turmoil that I am in inside of my own mind, and the darkness represents my own emotions??<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As I ponder the light disappears, no sounds, no light, just darkness.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Completely and utterly alone, I ponder.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why is it that when we are most alive is the time in which we are most afraid.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Life, Love, Pain.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The hings that seem to evoke the greatest emotion in life are the things that have the greatest potentail to destroy it?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 09, 2004 11:12 | link | comments
writings

yeah...... Poem....... Ummmmmm..... I'm not on my computer so I don't have access to it right now. Although I did decide to post a quote. So Justin's Quote for the day is:

"What do you do when the only person who can make you stop hurting is the one who made you start???"

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 08, 2004 18:23 | link | comments (1)
journals

Well, today is physics studying, combined with some HALO playing. I played a bunch of Silent Hill 2 Last night, I haven't ever playted through the entire game before, so I decided I would, it's a really tight game. Anywho, I'm gonna go do physics work and other such related things. Laters...

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 08, 2004 10:46 | link | comments (1)
journals

Well, one paper and a final left to go. I'm making it, somehow. Anyways, I need to get out and do something other than study and do school work. I think I might go crazy. I'm going to post anoth poem tmrw, this one should be juicy. Anyways, I'm gonna go back to working on some music I've been writing. I just finished writing my new Piano Concerto 5, Op. 3. It's pretty sweet. At a whopping 21 minutes long and 19 instruments it's mammoth. I'm actually about ready to release another set of music into the world. This set is definetly darker, I know why it is that way, and if you've read this in the past 6 months you know why too.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 07, 2004 11:38 | link | comments
journals

Screams permeate the darkness,
Disaster on a stage.
Whispers from the ravaged,
Lost behind the rain.
I land among the fallen,
Offer up an empty hand,
Shut my eyes and turn away.
Screaming out against the end.

Tonight I cannot rest because I ache,
And tomorrow brings the agony of day.
Just a leap of faith,
Against the dream of all that's lost,
And all the things,
We never got to say.
In the echoes of anger,
Forgotten in the silence,
In this moment of disaster.
There is a clarity of hate.

Now these days are ending,
And I have lost my way.
Counting down the hours,
While trying not to break,
Down before the others,
Who will never know the pain,
Or the endless years of nightmares,
That never go away.

Tell me why.
Won't someone tell me why?

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 04, 2004 13:10 | link | comments (2)
poetry