Don't Play With Fire, Unless You Can Handle Getting Burned

Well, I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to be doing tonite.  People seem to have developed this aversion to answering there cell phones.  Sigh....  Anywho, maybe I'll jsut driving ludicrously fast on twistsy roads.  We'll see, I'm feeling in one of those through the looking glass moods at the moment, and writer's blcok has left me somewhat unable to write what I want to so you my loayal readers are stuck hearing about my boring life until such time exists that my writer's block is vanquished.  Later Everyone

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 31, 2004 14:35 | link | comments (4)
journals

I'll post some more tomorrow, but for now it's definetly sleepytime......

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 29, 2004 23:23 | link | comments (2)
journals

I'm All Out OF Heart

Well tonite started off okay, but quickly became pretty awful. Never have I felt so alone amongst a group of friends. I don't know why, but nothing felt right. I just felt so loinely the entire night. I really don't wanna think about it right now so I'm going to bed.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 28, 2004 23:44 | link | comments (3)
journals

Abooooooo? What's up, I'm sleeeeeepy. And I didn't get to talk to anyone online today cuz I was out of my office. Blegh!! So Other than Jared does anyone one understand my last post? I must go for now, my computer needs a reboot. Laters.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 28, 2004 12:01 | link | comments
journals

Whoever gets the 31,415th hit gets a prize. They also get an even better prize if they can tell me why I care about who gets the 31,415th hit.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 27, 2004 11:04 | link | comments (2)
journals

Have you ever wondered if things will ever go your way?
If life will suddenly freeze-frame and ask you how the ending should go?
I have....
Every day I wake up, take a deep dreath, and imagine a world like no other, a world full of happiness and relief, a world free of hate and fear....
Does that world even exist?
Or is it really, just a fantasy...?
Whenever I find love, it's in all the wrong places, mixed in with lies, and unfamiliar faces....
I don't understand why such a beautiful thing has to be hidden under a cloak of darkness.
The shadow over-powering the light....
"Darkness meets light" and the darkness takes over.
Life suddenly is robbed of all its glory, and its suppressed by childish fears, "broken promises, and perpetual goodbyes"....
Drowned drop by drop from the blood of a bleeding heart searching for a new beginning and hopes for a new start....
Think about it....

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 27, 2004 08:56 | link | comments
writings

Well, last night was good.  I spent ao good portion of it laughing due to Will Ferrell, other than that, a friend and I made dinner.  The we did a lot of takling about some prettty deep stuff. I just hope she didn't get all freaked out.  Anyways, I'm kinda of stuck in a rut for the moment, not only can I rarely get ahold of my friends, but I am also having trouble sleeping again.  The sleeping part is porbably themost annoying of anything.  Bah, that's a pretty good descriptor, thanks to the people who are there for me when I need it most, (you people know who you are) you all really make my life about a billion times more bearable.  Later Peeps, I'll post more later

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 27, 2004 05:06 | link | comments (2)

Good morning all.  Today is definetly a blah day.  I don't know hy, but I'm not feeling so hot at the moment.  My write hand is suffering severely from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, (RSI, some of you folks) and it hurtss something fierce.  I'm gonna post a piece in a little bit, jsut give me a little time to finish it up.  Aight, I shall post more later.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 26, 2004 06:22 | link | comments (4)
journals

Hello ladles and jellyspoons. Today is relax day. I've had quite a busy weekend, from hanging out with awesome friends, to drawing all over very drunk peoples foreheads, I've had a lot of activity this weeknd. Tonight I think that I will probably enjoy a nice long game of chess with my good buddy Joria, over some nice cups of tea. Ah the British in the two of us still reigns strong. Anywho, yesternight was very interesting and I did discover that Limeade is very good for using to mix with Vodka, well at least any kind of vodka that's not awful and cheap. But there was fun to be had by all. Only one thing is off at the moment, one of my friends is having a slightly off day, so to you, (the person who knows who she is) I hope you fell better. And for now, I am going to go cook dinner, cuz I am really really hungry.

By The Way, I Just Put Up The New Quotes Page, so check it out and tell me what you think

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 25, 2004 14:07 | link | comments (2)
journals

Bah!  Anywho, I haven't been doing too much recently.  I've kind of been swamped with work, and then when I get home I'm either so tired I fall alsleep immediately or my friends come over, and we hang out until I fall asleep.  Last night was really nice though. It was the first time I'd ever really been awake but was able to just not think about hings.  Most people don't understand how rare of an occurence this is for me.  I was completely at peace in my head.  I would just like to thank all those who helped me achieve that lovely state of bliss.  Anywho, I've got errand to run today, so I should bid farewell, everyone have a loevely day.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 24, 2004 08:47 | link | comments (1)
journals

A little busy

So yeah..... Last night sucked, I couldn't get to sleep and I really needed to because I had to get up ridiculously early today. Oh well, now I'm jsut kind of tired, I've got to get ready for this whole briefing package that I'm supposed to have done by 1130, so I'm kind of in a rush to finish it at the moment. But I'm still available to talk to chill peeps, so IMme if you want to talk today. Back to work, I'll post more laters......

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 23, 2004 04:40 | link | comments
journals

Sooooo, my topic for the day will be, yeah, when have I ever been that clear and concise? Never, so I'm not going to pick a topic and stick to it today either. Anywho, I have been having an interesting conversation with several people, the other day I was really floored by this piece of writing I found on someone's blog. It just seems to me to be very true. Now any of you who have been reading this blog for a while no why this piece of writing might apply to me, but it really hit me deeply. The link is http://theotherside.motime.com/1090323357#311675 . Anywho, other than that I haven't really been doing too much. I did end up taking off sick from work yesterday I slept most of the day because I was feeling absolutely horrible, but a few pints of guiness and a goodly amount of sleep later and I woke up around 530pm. Of course I went to bed again about 4 hours later and got another 7 hours of sleep. I was very happy to be getting so much sleep.

You know what sucks? Friends who aren't really your friends. I hate that crap, I hate it when people pander to the bigger crowd, and try to appease everyone. I'm not going to name any names here, but I'm pretty sure y'all know who you are. Anywho, I'll whine more about that later, today hasn't been to bad of a day and I don't really wanna let those people bring me down. Everyone have fun today. Laters

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 21, 2004 06:49 | link | comments (3)
journals

So........ Yesterday sucked.  I had an absolutely horrible day, I'll get into that later, but then my friend J calls me, and he'slike "Sooooo.... I'm single now" and I was like "WTF?"  Apparently completely out of the blue his grilfriend of more than a year broke up with him.  So I decided we needed to through him a party to keep his mind occupied and for the most part I think it worked.  I wasn't really too energetic seeing as how my entired day had been drained by repeatedly being inserted into awkward situations and when I went out to the parking lot after that my car battery was dead.  Oh well,'c'est la vie'  My parent asked me, "If you feel so bad, why don't you just go to bed" to which I replied, "Because that's not the kind of person I am, there my friends and they need my support, and I'm going to be there for them regardkess of how shitty a day I've been having"  My dad seemed to understand but my mom didn't.  Of course my mom's never really understood me anyways, but that' a whole other story for a whole other time...  Anywho, If anyone knows a good way to cheer him up drop me a comment, I love coments... hehehe.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 20, 2004 04:54 | link | comments (3)
journals

Soooooo, today is emo day for me. I haven't been having a particularly food weekend. I don't really know why, it's just been very unfulfilling. I really hte times like this, when I feel like my whole life is just me going throug the motions. It's gotten to be very tiresome, and all I really wnat to to is lay down for about a week with someone, but I don't really have anyone to do that with, so that's kinda out of the question. Right now the only thing I'm really looking forward to is getting my new glasses, see, that's how boring things have been around here. I just want to get out, see places, do things that aren't the satandadr everyday bs like going to school or work. I need to get away, but I can't. I'm a prisoner of my own desires, for to go out and do things I neeed money. What a tangled tangled web we weave...

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 18, 2004 13:42 | link | comments (3)
journals

boy, it's been a little while since I last posted.  I've just been really busy lately.  I really need to be getting more sleep.  In fact I am actually going home early from work today.  My stomach feels like it's trying to tear itself out of my body, ick...  Anyways, I've just ben hanging out with friends, and one particular friend who is very good at making me feel bettter about the owrld in general.  It's nice to have those kinds of friends, the ones that help to restore my faith that not all people are complete dicks.  Now you wonderful readers excluded of course...  hehehe.  I just haven't had a lot of luck with a lot of relationships, but there's not really that much I can do about that.  It's good to hear that Jared is okay, you had me worried there for a bit.  Let's see other than that, I had to get a spinal tap.  Yeah.....  Having a needle inserted into the center of your spinal cord isn't fun, w00t!  Other than that, I've got my annual fun-time to look forward to.  I have to go in for my biopsy.  Bleghhhh!  I hate that crap, plus it gets me all edgy and nervous-like.  I guess that's understandable though, I just wish I didn't have to worry about things like that sometimes.  Anywho, I've got a bunch of writing I'm looking through and editing to try to post up here in some sort of reasonable time fashion, and sinvce I'm leaving work early I suppose I should go dooooo some work........  Bah, who am I kidding, I'll probly just end up reading other peoples blog's.  Laters

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 15, 2004 06:31 | link | comments (1)
journals

Coffee

Something A little Different.

There was silence as i entered the sullen, sparce room. It was after midnight and the clocks were off by an hour an a half. Someone left their window open again and the slightly frosted glass let in a freezing draft. Papers are scattered on the carpet, illegible to peering eyes and the sound of every footstep echos in space.
On the desk of the day supervisor there lies a laptop with a hint of coffee residue on the keyboard. The computer screen glows of the notorious bright blue error screen. “Application performed an illegal operation and will be shut down” it blinks. I panic, and click on cancel, hoping for it to go away.
Three o'clock approaches and I still feel the draft. Now i hear a helicopter flying overhead, circling the building. The door is still locked. I sealed it on the way in. I remember. I approach the open window and gently close it, to keep from disturbing anyone below, but the winds are too strong, and it opens again with a violent slam against the wall. At least I tried.
The coffee machine begins to make a pot of coffee automatically. It must be five already. I think. The office coffee was never any good, but somehow I expect it to be better this one time. The mugs are cleaned and stacked in a very organized manor in the cubbord below. I grab one and search for imperfections. ‘I need a perfect cup for a perfect cup of coffee’, I say.
The coffee is poured and I search the counter for traces of the artificial sugar packets, and the non-dairy creamer. I gently mix them into the warm coffee, and take a caucious sip. ‘Too hot’, I say.
The beating is getting louder. I hear the faint yells from the loudspeaker on the helicopter, but the sound of the propellers drown the shouting out. I hear a crash. ‘Theyve gotten past the first door’, i whisper, to keep it a secret from the others. ‘They will be here soon’
I sip my coffee again and the door breaks down. The police swarm the office and enter every room. I seat myself in the break room chair. ‘They never were too comfertable anyway’, I say. They enter my room and seem to yell, but I hear nothing they say, the coffee preoccupies my mind; its warm, smooth texture running across my toungue and down my throat.
I hear a loud noise; much louder than the propellers, and suddenly i no longer hear the shouting, or the helicopter; I no longer taste the coffee, i no longer feel the chilly draft. I just lie there on the office floor.
An officer roams the office building, illuminated by the orange glow of the morning sun. He walks quickly to the window and slams it shut. ‘It doesnt matter’, I think, ‘i cant feel the cold’.
The eight o'clock news the next day spoke of a workplace massacre that morning. Fifty-five employees lay dead and the killer was shot on the spot after refusing arrest, and sitting in silence, drinking a cup of coffee.
I laugh, ‘it was the best cup of coffee i have ever had’.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 12, 2004 09:34 | link | comments (2)
writings

Sometimes I get so confused..........................
But good friends are always a good thing to have.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 11, 2004 01:11 | link | comments
journals

BWAHAHAHAHA I AM THE EVIL MAN OF LOGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!
OF course this can be worst then trying to operate on a b-tree wihtout recursion.....
mmmmmm...... 15 nested for loops.
YAY!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it…

What is it?

I don’t know… do you?

No I don’t, that’s why I’m asking you for.
But since I don’t know and you now know I don’t know, there’s no point in asking me now is there?

No I guess not… but still, why did you say that’s it?

I just told you I don’t know

Well then if you didn’t know why did you tell it?

I don’t know… do you?

No I don’t! I asked you because I thought you knew why you said it was it but since you don’t know I don’t know why you said it and now you’re asking me why you don’t know why you said that’s it ?

Yup, that’s it

But I don’t know!

So if I get this right, you don’t know and I don’t know either, right?

That’s it!

Oh so that’s why you said that’s it right?

No… I said that’s it but I don’t know why, but we agreed on the fact that we both don’t know why so there’s no point in asking why I said it.

Ohh now I get it… that’s it I’m out of here

Yeah me too, I’m starting to have a headache

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 10, 2004 12:42 | link | comments
writings

Music

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 09, 2004 06:59 | link | comments (2)
writings

I'm sleepy.......  I would like a girlfriend.... There ranting done.  Anyways, I was just playing XIII today, man that game is ridiculously difficult when you play it on realistic mode.  It's criss-cross-cr-iz-azy hard.  But, it is a fun game, I like stories where you find out the plot with the character, it's much more intriguing to me that way.  Let's see what else have I ben up to?  Writing stories, poetry, and music...  Since noone except for 1 or 2 people ever bother to call me anymore, LAME!!!, I really don't have that much to do.  So I'm left to my own devices, luckily however this is summer.  And it takes a lot to get me down in the summer.  I just get bored, I somehow avoid all of that introspection crap in the summer, which for me is definetly a good thing.  Anywho, I'm thinking I may go to bed, then I can get up and go to work early so that I can get off of work early.  I don't exactly know what I'm going to do if I get off of work early.  I haven't planned that far ahead yet.  Oh well, everyone have a wonderful night.  Mine is boring, but hey, it could always be worse?

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 08, 2004 20:00 | link | comments (1)
journals

You Always Have To Be Right Don't You?

So...... um..... yeah, I was kind of in a weird mood........  It makes sense if you know me, and it really makes sense if you happen to be one of the few people who are privy to this situation.  Nonetheless, this is just kind of how I feel, well, with the exception of some of the later sentences which are for dramatic effect (writer's privelege)  I hope you enjoy this, or at least feel something from it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To you: my lovely; my beautiful.

I can’t call you these things, for as you and I both know, they aren’t true. You aren’t my baby. You aren’t my dear. You aren’t my anything. You aren’t mine. You never have been, nor will you ever be. I’ll never be more than a simple annoyance in your otherwise blissful existence. I’ll never be more than a nagging pest, clinging desperately to false hopes like foreign tethers. Sometimes, you seem such a deep part of me. You seem to understand my thoughts and my actions and my words so utterly and completely, it’s almost as though we could be a single person. Then there are the times where you seem to resent the fact that I’m even speaking to you. You seem to rue the day that I had met you. You seem as though you feel that your "blissful existence" has been completely and permanently fucked up, just because I have befriended you. I speak, yet you fail to hear. I cry, yet you fail to see. I scream, yet you fail to even notice my very life. I feel as though I am drowning sometimes, being pulled under in a turbulent riptide that I try ever so frantically to escape, but it’s all in vain. You drown me; drown me in thoughts of insignificance and unimportance. I feel like I give and I give until I can give you no more, I give to you with every fibre of my very being, yet you feign ignorance to my actions, and go on as though I were never there. I feel like I do so much, and I get next to nothing in return. I feel like, despite all of my efforts to see to it that you are happy; I can and will never be good enough. The things I do take so much of me, and it’s never good enough. I hardly even earn a "Thank-you for your help". If you haven’t had an enjoyable day, I do my damned best to see that you are happy again. I try and cheer you up, I listen to the things that went wrong and try to console you. I worry if you don’t feel well; I wish to cry if I have doubts about your happiness. I feel sometimes as though my heart rips in two if I know that you aren’t feeling perfect. I try to be excited about every damned thing that interests you, or that makes you happy. I constantly provide you with compliments; I sometimes feel like a stuffy waiter at a party, serving you compliments, wrapped in truth, smothered in devotion, with a side order of caviar and lobster. I listen to nearly every word you say, except on the occasions when I have too many thoughts going on in my fucked-up mind to hear what you have to say. I know so much about you, and yet so little. Everything I know about you is from those few times you seem to slip and share with me some personal information about yourself, which I keep and store away, like a greedy squirrel in preparation for a fierce winter’s snow. You could ask me anything about yourself and chances are, I would remember it. I have you so well memorized. I could pick you out of a crowd of ten million people. I long to know every curve of your body, I yearn to be able to identify every fleck of colour in your eyes. I pray that I can remember every single letter of every single word that you have ever spoken to me. I feel like a fucking little puppy-dog, as loyal and devoted to you as is at all possible, bound and chained to you. I try and try to break free of you, I sometimes think that I have, yet something, something always brings me back, like a terrible leash, and I am connected to you. Sometimes I hate it, I hate it so much. You wouldn’t understand. You couldn’t understand. You’ve not felt this way towards anyone or anything, or if you have, that’s a valuable piece of information that you neglected to inform me. Sometimes I feel like you only care about yourself, yet you told me once that you know you have it good, things are cheery for you, sunshine and daisies, so why care about yourself before others? I put you above all others, haven’t you noticed? I put you before my best friend, before myself, before my family. I put you before everything in my life, and sometimes it feels as though you are oblivious to this fact, you could care less about what I; the pestilent fool, do, or say, or feel. I’m nothing but a rash, irritating, and despite all your efforts to rid yourself of it, always there. Or maybe, maybe, I’m more like a fungus. Wouldn’t you say that that describes me so much more appropriately? Even the word is unattractive. It describes me so well, doesn’t it? Clingy, unattractive, foul; that’s me. I know how you feel about me. I know what you think of me. Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I should just end it all. I’ve done it before, you and I both know. More than once, and more than twice. Four times in total, though maybe you didn’t know that this was such a regular occurrence. I’m pretty sure I could do it again. Maybe I could make it a little more damaging, even a little more serious. A little more dirty; even a little more permanent. But – wait! Maybe, maybe. Maybe that’s what you want to hear? I’ll end my life, for you. Or should I say, because of you. But I can’t. I can’t, because I know that if I did, I would let you down. And I can never, never do that. I’ll continue to do my damnedest to make sure you are happy, in spite of what makes me happy, and what is good for me. I’ll speak, and you’ll continue to not hear me. I’ll cry, and you will continue to not notice me. As long as you are happy, what else matters, right? Right as always, my baby. You’re always right, my dear.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 06, 2004 09:32 | link | comments (1)
writings

I slept in until 130 today.  Boy did that feel good.  I wish I coudl do that more often.  It suckled here yesterday, it rained all day!!!!!  ICK!!!!!!  Anyways, I just finished dowloading about 30 albums, so I need to go through them and find out what I wanna keep.  So I'll post some more later.  Everyone have a happy 3 day weekend

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 05, 2004 14:08 | link | comments
journals

Happy 4th of July Everyone!!!

maybe i'll put a hole in this sky
won't give off my light just to
spite you
spite you for everything you didn't even do

'cause I'm angry about nothing and about everything
and what I'm thinking overwhelms what is really going on
inside my mind I create the enemy and the motive
and I destroy myself in the plot.

I find nuances in what you say that tell me it is time to flee.
I'm tired of being everyone else's game.
Tired of being unable to control the situation.

and why do i feel so burned out?
something tells me this is unnatural.
and it is time for quick exits because I see the future
and it is screaming that I do not belong in that one.
i don't fit.
it's not me and you know and i know but we waste time laughing.
what's the point?

and it makes no difference what you say
or what really went wrong
(was it my thoughts, was it what you said...was it that look across the room?)
it makes no difference at all.

I love to run anyway.
I'll just do what I do best and leave destruction in my wake
leave everything broken and useless.
that's what she says anyway.
because I guess I'm crazy and unstable and unable to compensate
because I guess eventually I'd be found lacking anyway.
that's what he says anyway.

might as well be the one who sets it on fire.
rather than the one inside.
I'm through with being inside.
I'm through with being left for brighter eyes and old flames.
I won't settle for half of forever.
I'll just make my own,
somewhere far away.
farther from myself.
father from her blue eyes.
farther from this old life.

and maybe I'll just put a hole in the sky.
cry tonight, cry.
it's time YOU cried.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 04, 2004 15:00 | link | comments
poetry

Disclaimer ::THis istrain of thought and tehrefore will exhibit no logical conection between thougths. 

Soooo, I haven't been doing too much over the past few days, mainly just hanging out with ma friends.  IT's good times, I need to take a road-trip or someting like that.  That would be cool.  Anyone wanna go on a road trip???  Also, I wanna go clubbing, it's been awhile since I did that.  Hmmmmmmm.......  I like butter, it's yummy, especially when you put it on french bread in the oven and broil it.  Yummmm...  This music is really good, I like yellowcard.  Of course I also liek about  billion obsucre bands that no one ahas ever heard of.  But hey at least I'm not crazy psycho or anything.  Hmmmm  I should really post some writing soon, someone told me I should stop writing about romance I'm not sure, what do you guys thinkj, should I pick a new topic.  I'm not sure, so I'd like input on that one.  Also, to finish my post, Miller High Life is definetly better than Budweiser, not that I drink a lot, I just came to this stunning relization the other day.  And to give you an example of my eclectical music tastes, I am currrentyl listening to a song by "Zohar Featuring Hakim".. Night everyone

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 03, 2004 17:35 | link | comments (2)
journals

sooooooo...... time for the posting goodness of me.  hehehehe.  I haven't been up to too much recently jsut kinda working and stuff.  Work, work, chill with friends, etc.  It's not so bad, I just wish I could work less and chill with friends more.  But Alas, I cannot.  Anyways, I'm going to go for now, I will be ready to post some new stuff soetime in the near future.  Until then you have to put up with my insufferably boring journal posts.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at July 01, 2004 13:04 | link | comments (1)
journals