Don't Play With Fire, Unless You Can Handle Getting Burned

Wow, my back is cracking in places I didn't even know that it could crack.  Well, let's see, at the moment I'm pretty much sitting here and actively trying to avoid doing hw mainly becuz I don't wanna do it.  Anywho, I'm feeling a billion times better today, I think the combination of getting to talk with a few people online last night and today has helped me greatly.  Someone very close to my heaert, listened to me last night when I really needed a kind ear and that meant so much to me.  Other than that, I 've just kinda been going from class to class today, I've been pretty busy with all of the sti-zz-uff I have had to do for classes.  I think I'm going to attempt to do some real work but I'm not sure whether or not that will acutally happen.  Later everyeon

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 31, 2004 15:24 | link | comments (2)
journals

*sigh........................................... I really wish my friends would call me. I haven't had a chance to really get to hang out with any of them one on one, and I really miss them. I'm being a little emo at the moment, I'm not really sure why I'm feeling that way. I really really really miss people, and I'm just feeling kind of distant from the worl at this moment. Anyways, I'm going to go try and dsitract myself with some tv or something. I'll post more later.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 30, 2004 21:09 | link | comments (1)
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Classes, well, today was cool yet sucky at the same time. It was definetly a ery odd feeling to be walking back up the stairs into the Johnson Center. It felt so surreal, like I didn't belong there. I think it's because my heart is definetly somewhere else at the moment. I ran into Tom at the Taco Bell so that was cool, and we chilled for a little bit beofre he had to go off to his class, then I jsut sorta wandered around and read a letter that I got in the mail today. I like getting letters in the mail. I will never lose that chilcdish feeling of "OOOOOOO I GOT A LETTER!!!!" Today has been very subdued for me, when I was in classes, I could keep my mind occupied on classes, but when I was ou tof classes I could hardly keep my mind from wandering to thoughts of places that I would rather be. I left my phone at home today so I couldn't really get a hold of any of my friends, which made the whole thing rather lame. Other than that, let's see........ I wrote a few e-mails, checked up on people's blogs, and my math class looks like it should be pretty good (my prof grades on class averages) hehehehe...... Anyways, I was just sitting here waiting in between classes, (I was going ot go to they gym but then I decided I didn't want to go) Everyone here seems a little subdued this time around, mayube it's jsut the fact that I ve changed a lot as a person over this summer. That could have a lot to do with it. It was kinda strange, usually all the guys want to come up and talk to me in math class (I guess I look like a bookworm, not that it isn't true) but When I sat down in my math class, I was surrounded by girls. It was really really strange, I've never had that happen before. So I was a little surprised by the whole thing. Even whilst I was surrounded by girls, there was only one I could think about (she knows who she is ;-) After that I came here, and I'm sitting in Innovation writing this obscenely long blog post. I don't know why, I guess I just felt like talking but since noone was there to talk to I put it all here.

And My Back Really Really Hurts... I need a massage

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 30, 2004 16:06 | link | comments
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Wow, I am really tired.  My party went until about 6am.  So I'm pretty beat from staying up late, and not getting much sleep + all the drinking that was going on with everyone.  I bet there are a lot of tired people today.  But all in all, the party was a lot of fun, and everyone had a good time.  So it's all good.  Anyways....  I'm getting a little jittery today, school starts for me tomorrow.  Also, just to let everyone know Sept 18th will have something special.  For those of you that haven't actually gone back adn read my entire blog, (I know there's a lot) Sept 18th 2003 was the date I started blogging so I'm going to do a one year anniversary special post.  Other than that, let's see.  I need food, and I need to do my laundry,  wait..... wait for it....... Well I guess you can't eat laundry otherwise I'd be set.  Well I'm going off to take care of those things, later everyeon

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 29, 2004 15:25 | link | comments (2)

Death To JAVASCRIPT!!!!!!!

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 27, 2004 23:58 | link | comments (3)

Well, let's see.  I haven't really done much today, I just kinda sat around and did a little bit of cleaning.  I was trying to get a bit of scripting to work ehre on the web page, but the script was being annoying so I decided not to mess around with it anymore.  *sighhhhh.......  Anywhom, I really miss some of my friends, and I Really miss one person in particular, but she isn't here, oh well I'll get to see her soon.  Less than a week now.  Anywho, I'm going to go eat some Mac 'n Cheese, so later all

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 27, 2004 15:46 | link | comments (1)
journals

I'm very tired today.  I really need someone here to hold me so that I can fall aslepp in their arms.  I just thought Id say that.  Well, new medicine blows.  I always hate getting new prescriptions, they always end up causing problems with everything.  So now, basically all of my plans for the week have been sidelined because I've jsut ben feeling so worn down.  I think it's a combination of a lot of factors, of which probably the most influential being the fact that I haven't gotten much sleep this summer, and it's finally all starting to catch up with me.  I'll be okay, it's just one of them tired phases that I go through every now and then.  I just wish that I had my usualy hyper engery level.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 26, 2004 08:09 | link | comments (1)
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Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 25, 2004 15:24 | link | comments

Well, today was a very hectic and busy day.  It started off with waking up and getting to talk to her.  Which always makes it a good day.  We ended up chatting and sharing romantic nothings for about 2 hours before we tore ourselves apart to go and do other things.  I went on to the doctor's where I spoke with my dr. about all sorts of fun medical type thingies (specific ain't it?)  After that I went on to the gym to exercise for a little bit, after the dr.'s office though I was prettty tired so I only exercised for a ltitle bit.  It felt pretty good though.  After that I came back home for a little bit beofre leaving to meet up with T-iz-om.  We hung out and did our usualy Justin and Tom stuff (basically bitching like a married couple) for a while, then Tom left to go to karaate and I lfet to come home.  After that I called her up to chat on the phone for a while, which was great.  I love haring her voice, it's very soothing.  After that I basically hung aournd here and now I'm writing this blgo entry.  I'm going to go work on some music for my album tenetiatively titled: An Intimate View of My Soul.  I'll probly write some peotry or something like that too, it depends on how much inspiration strikes me.  Later everyone.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 24, 2004 19:04 | link | comments (2)

Well, I'm just sitting aroundmy house.  People are coming over later, but I'm just kinda sitting around now, I'm kiond of epecting a phone call too, but I don't really know when that will be.  Anyways, today was not bad.  I got to sleep in again, someting which I am growing very fond of.  Other than that, my arms hurts from something, probly Carepl Tunnel, I really wish I had someone here to massage it, but alas, I don't.  Let's see what else went on today....  I went to Phsycail Therapy for the first time in a while, and I was instantly reminded of why I stopped going, man I'm very sore from all of the exercise, but I'm trying to get myself back into shape.  I remember how much stuff I was able to make it through last semester because of all of the stamina and endurance I built up in Phys Therapy.  So I'm going back to it now, to try and rebuild my endurance again.  I am feeling better than I was on Friday, I finally got to talk to her about it and now I am feeling better.  Plans for the rest of the night, stay up late and play video games and talk with my amigos.  I will probably be posting more at some point early tomorrow morning/late tonite.  G'night all

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 22, 2004 19:16 | link | comments

Well, today I was going to go shopping with my family.  Except when I woke up I felt absolutely awful.  I haven't been feeling so good physically recently.  I've ben really fatigued.  I mean I've basically done absolutely nothing all day yet for some reason all of my muscles feel like they have been execercising constantly.  I'm not really sure, so I went to the doctor.  Well they didn't know what was going on either, so they were just like, "drink plenty of fluids and yadda yadda yadda"  Other than that I've just kinda lazed around the house all day.  I really wish that someone was here right now cuz I know that being with them would make thigns all better.  I can hardly even hold my hands up to the keyboard to type.  I jsut have absolutely no energy, it feels like I did back when I was on .... well....... you know, the evil C word.  Anywho I think I mght jsut try to get a lot of rest over the next few days and then see how I'm feeling after that.  I'll be okay, I think I just need some time to telax and recuperate from being drained by life.  I hope that everyone is having a good day today, I just ordered me some pizza and am going to make a round of my friends blogs, later all.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 21, 2004 15:41 | link | comments
journals

A Big Shiny Ball of Angst

Boy, I've just been a big ball of angst today. Jsut to clarify my previous post. I know that I'm loved, it's just that I'm a big fan of letting actions speak louder than words. I show all of my friends my lvoe for them, tehy know that I would gladly do anything for them. Sadly I don't know how many of them would do the same. It's not really an issue, because I know that I have the ability to care about people more than most people can even fathom. I have an innate need to comfort people, and I happen to think that I'm pretty good at it. The only problem is that I can't do the same for myself. I can't calm myself down, I need people to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need people to tell me that life will work out, I try to tell myself those sorts of things, but it never really works. All I really want to do right now is crawl up into a little ball in someone's lap and sleep, knowing that they will be there to protect me. I think that I give so much love to people it may just inevitably lead me to be disappointed in other peoples displays of caring. I'm not sure, but all I know is this. Actions speak much louder than words when it comes to me regarding this topic. Anyways, I'm done ranting for now, I'm sorry if I am making people uncomfortable I jsut haven't really had anybody to talk to about this, so I just needed to get it out there for everyone to see.

Anyone who has known me for any period of time should be fairly familiar with all of these issues. I've had abandonment issues all of my life. I've had issues with people using me all of my life, I've had issues trusting people all of my life. I've finally found someone that I can trust, but they are not here with me at the moment, and although I want to talk to them every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life, I'm so scared that by feeling that I will scare them away. I don't know what I would do if I did that, I'm just so afraid of all the bad things that could happen. It doesn't help that I have my semi-annual event of evil coming up (for those of you that don't know what I'm tlalking about, ask em sometime and I'll explain), it also doesn't help that I haven't really been able to chill with all of my friends.

Does anybody think I'm crazy? Because I sure as hell do. I'm totally crazy, I wish there was somethign I could do about the way I feel, but I just get the feelign that this is one of those things that only time will be able to work on, well time and being able to see her. But I don't know how likely the latter is for happening in the short term. And there I go again being paranoid, and getting that "feeling".

The "feeling" for me is something that I'll try to describe, basically if you can imagine a little voice inside of your head saying to me...
"Nobody could ever love you, you are too needy, too emotional, too turbulent"
"Even if somebody was able to love you, I'm sure that you would find a way to screw it all up"

So yeah, those are the feelings I have to contend with on a pretty much everyday basis. I know deep down inside that only one thing can cure those feelings, I know what it is, but describing it to other people basically makes me come off sounding like some sort of attention whore. I hate when the only time people will say thigns is in response to somethign you say. I hate having to fish for emotions, I hate pining for anything. I give all of myself to everyone else, and I only feel that it's a reasonable expectation to have some of that returned. So, don't wait for me to tell you how much you mean to me before you tell me. Cuz believe me as much as you think I know, everytime that I hear people say thigns like "I'm sorry you're not feeling well" or "You doin' okay" it makes the world a whole lot better for me.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 20, 2004 11:18 | link | comments (2)
journals, writings

I passed out sometime around 1130 last night. I was so unbelievably tired. I've got a bunch of things to do today, and I don't really want to do any of them. I'm still feeling pretty insecure about everything, I miss people. I especially miss one person, but they aren't able to be here wright now. It's almost enough to make me want to cry. But I will continue to project this calm, cool, and collected person. At least on the outside, inside I'm screaming out, and crying, I'm sure things will get better as I find myself more occupied by the toils of everyday life. I just wish that I could be there with someone right now. I guess I'm just feeling really emotioanlly needy at the moment, needy of someone to tell me that they love me. I know that I am, I just like to hear it more often, and I don't like to have to elicit shows of emotions from other people. This isn't aimed at anyone in particular. I'm just feeling a little paranoid at the moment.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 20, 2004 05:34 | link | comments (1)
journals, writings

Well I just finished re-installing Windows 2006 on my laptop.  So now I can actually use it. YAY!!!  Other than that I am now laying here on my bed, which feels so empty.  I really like having a big bed, but I am really wishing that a certain someone was here at the moment to lay here with me and make it all warm and comfy.  I've kinda been going through a plethora of emotions tonight.  Today I was feeling really really insecure, I know why I was feeling that way, but there wasn't really that much that I coudl do about it.

Well I am starting to feel absolutely drained, so I think I'm going to go try and get some sleep.  Try being the operative word.  Well g'night all.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 19, 2004 20:47 | link | comments (2)

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.................................................. Today's one of those days that I'm crying on the inside, while smiling on the outside

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 18, 2004 20:05 | link | comments

Okay, here's an obsucre one. If anyone knows the theme song from Donnie Darko. That's how I'm feeling at the moment.
How many of you get that?
--------------------------
I wish I had had more time to spend with you last night, there were so many things I wanted to tell you, but you had to go, I miss you already.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 18, 2004 07:14 | link | comments (1)
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Oh boy, this is not going to be easy..................................  I hope I can do this, anyone who knows what I'm talking about, yeah...  I'm going to try and go to sleep, before I get too sad

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 17, 2004 21:00 | link | comments (2)

Not thinking, not thinking, not thinking, not thinking, not thinking, ...............  Sooooo............  Yeah, I've got a lot on my mind today, I'm very happy yet kind of sad at thte same time.  I'll be okay.  I will be busy all day today, so I probably won't have time to talk to many of you.  Other than that, I just hung out with a few friends last night, and before that I met someone for Ice Cream, which was yay!  Anyways, I should be going for now.  Later All

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 17, 2004 06:10 | link | comments
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Work, Peoples, Sleep (Well the first two at least)   Anywho, I really have a lot on my mind at the moment.  Hence I haven't been keeping up with my posting like I should, other than that, lets see......  I've had to do some tough stuff at work, they're keeping me very busy, and I've had to make some tough calls on stuff.  Other than that, I'm really going to miss some people this time around in the going back to school process.  That's all I've got to say right now.  I'm just off trying to cheer myself up

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 16, 2004 11:59 | link | comments
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So yeah, my sunburn hurts like a bitch.  Other than that, I should really be getting into bed soon, I just have no desire to do so et.  It's after 3am too.  Hmmmmm....  Everything has been going really well for me recently, and for the first time for a long time in my life I am really truly happy.  I'm ridiculously sore, in immense pain constantly (which I never let anyone knwo about), and have a billion things on my mind, but I'm freaking happy as ever.  It's such a great feeling.  Anywho, I'm gonna try to go grab some shut-eye.  I promise to read everyones blogs and writing on Sunday, I've been slacking seriously.  Later aLl

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 14, 2004 00:52 | link | comments (1)
journals

Just got back from the beach, and it was absolutely amazing, although I did get some pretty severe sunburns.  I'll write more about it later, I have a bunch of stufff I still have to finish doing

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 13, 2004 15:37 | link | comments

Boy my ears are ringing, and I am bright red from the sunburn, but it was awesome.  I took off from work today and hopefully someone will be geting online soon so that I can see if they want to hang out for a little bit......  Other than that, I'm just getting ready to go to the beach tomorrow, which is funny becuz I just got a major sunburn, and probably will get another one whie I'm there, but it's okay.  I'm planning on having an absolute blast at the beach, it's going to be amazing.  On that note, I shoudl go do some laundry and then I'll just be waiting for people to wake up.  Later everyone

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 11, 2004 06:35 | link | comments (2)

Today has been very very busy, I have been trying to cram about 12 horus of work into about 7 so that I can leave early.  I want to get out of work so that I can go hang out with someone, but work is trying to keep me from being able to leave.  soooooo I am totally stoked about these linkin park tickets, it's gonna be awesome.  On that note, I must go so I can finish writing up this briefing.  If all goes well I may be able to actually get off when I want to, otherwise I could be here really late.  Later everyone

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 09, 2004 10:21 | link | comments (1)

Well, this week has been very intyeresting.  WE just finsihed up some really coll stuff at work, and everything is genereally going pretty weel in my life.  I still keep meaning to watc season 2 of Red vs Blue on DVD bu I just haven't had the time yet.  I think I'm going to try tand ghet most of the guys to come over atonight so that we can watch it.  In the meantime, I've just been doing a lot of hanging out with friends.  I just woke up today, so you will have to excuse my ramblings, I'm sorry I haven't had much time to comment recently, I have been serously sleep deprived.  OH yes, btw, Jason is the coolest man alive for getting me free LInkin Park tickets.   Other than that, it's time for lunhc, later everyone

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 08, 2004 10:01 | link | comments (2)
journals

sigh........................  I am so ridiculously tired I do'nt even know what to do with myself.  OIther than that I have had quite a busy week, there are sweveral long term things going on at the moment, and I hope that they all work out.  If so I Will be very happy.  Also, I work has been absolutely crazy.  It's either oprressively boring or ridiculously demanding and it alternates back and forth between.  Anyways, I'm going to go and try to finish some more work, maybe I'll try to take a big nap tonight.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 05, 2004 06:33 | link | comments

Sometimes being willingly promiscuous doesn't take you to the place you wanted to get. Sometimes it lands you on this plateau. It's like one of those sandbars you know? You walk in where its shallow and stay while you're testing the water. Then you continue on in and it gets deeper and deeper and then, there it is, you hit it. You can take a step up because its a little sandbar right there in the middle of what you thought was the deep end that kept getting deeper. So there you are, standing on this sandbar, looking at the deep behind you, and what might be deep in front of you, while the water washes both ways onto your feet.

And you just can't decide, do I go back into the deep that will eventually lead me to shore? Do I stay here and just look around waiting for something to pick me up? Or do I walk foward and see just how long the sandbar keeps me safe?

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 03, 2004 06:21 | link | comments (2)
writings

Where Do I Start?

Today................ I don't even know where to begin to start. I've got about a million things going through my head, and I have absolutely no idea what I wanna do with them all. Also, there are certain things I want in life, that seem to be just slightly out of reach at the moment, it's the most frustrating feeling in the world. I don't really want to get into specific, it would take way too long. I just wish that I could see everything work out in my head, that way I wouldn't feel so helpless right now.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 03, 2004 05:18 | link | comments
journals

There's something about me that only comes out when I get to be around younger children.  Whenever I'm playing with kids I always seem really happy, almost as if nothing else matters.  Maybe it's because my own memories of that age were not anywhere near what one would call normal.  I decided last night that I was going to go help out a friend who was babysitting, so I brought her, her favorite ice cream and took the kid off her hands for a little while.  I must admit he was quite spirited, but eventually he went to bed, and I realized that in my zeal for playing I'd gotten and hurt my knee, oh well, sych things happen.  Anywho, I'm off to go shopping for new furniture so wish me luck.  Laters

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 01, 2004 06:56 | link | comments
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