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Still being worked on, not finished yet, still have quite a bit to go back and add
A Brief, yet personal look into what makes me tick. This is the truth, well from what I can remember, if you have a problem with it I don’t care.
I suppose If I am going to talk about what makes me tick, I should talk about my past. I can tell you now that my past has made me the person I am today, both better and worse. I suppose my current mindset start after my first real radical personality shift around 10th grade. This was when I met Ryan. Ryan, well, how do I put this…? Ryan Is a unique individual. Sometimes nice, sometimes evil, always Ryan though. Well, Ryan brought quite an interesting change of personality in me, he made me easier to be around, more self-confident and best of all more care-free.
So now we fast-forward through my sophomore year of high school, not to much happened drastically there. I was in the madrigals choir which I enjoyed a lot and that was how I met most of my friends in High School. Anyways, let’s move on. The day I started my junior year in high school, I was feeling pretty good about myself. On the first day of choir I noticed this blond girl who just happened to be new in choir. Well, needless to say, A 5 and a half foot blond haired girl with blue eyes almost always catches my eye and she most certainly did. I never really got much of a chance to talk to her for the first few weeks of school even though I was dying to do so, but it just so happened that Madrigals Choir auditions were the third week of September. I usually stayed after at school most of the week, not necessarily to do much of anything but rather just to chill with my friends. Well, I knew that she was going to be trying out for madrigals so I hung around the choir room, and waited or her to finish her audition. When she came out I remember her looking a little flustered, as does most anyone after going through an audition. So I told her she did a good job and we continued talking for a while. Lucky for me we had after school rehearsals on Monday nights, so next week, I asked her if she wanted to go grab some coffee in between when school got out and when the rehearsal started. We chatted a bunch and we decided we would do the same thing again next week. So the next week, Heather, Miranda, and I decided we were all going to walk down to Starbucks, but I stole Miranda’s umbrella and Heather and I walked all the way to Starbucks huddled under this tiny umbrella, I guess it was about then that I decided that I really liked her. There were many more incidents leading up to me asking her out, a dance, actually two dances. But At the second one I finally asked her out. And so began the relationship of Justin and Heather.
Moving on to that relationship, there were some serious obstacles in pursuing this relationship, Heather came from a unique familial situation and her father refused to acknowledge my existence. This made normal tings like calling her rather difficult. He was always looking for a reason to bash me to her. Anywho, long story made short, her dad will make further return appearances later in the relationship. Heather and I went on a few dates, upon which time I realized how absolutely crazy I had become over her. I fell so hard it wasn’t even funny. However, Heather was, how should we say, inexperienced in the ways of many aspects of relationships. The first time she came over to my house for dinner, we ended up watching In Love and War, I hate sappy romantic drama’s they are lame. But she had never been kissed, so that was a new experience for her, not that I was horribly experienced at that point in my life anyways. I told her I loved her, and you’ll never believe what her response was, “No you don’t” I believe that was the most shocking response I’ve ever got to making that statement. Well, the next day her friend Cody, Im’ed me and told me that I had gone and seriously freaked her out, and told me that she was probably going to break up with me. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy. When I saw her the next day at school I was very distant to her, because I wasn’t going to let myself get set up for the fall. However, eventually I confronted her about the whole thing, and after the 3rd lap around the school on the walk we decided to take, we eventually got everything all worked out. She still got squirrelly anytime I ever tried to tell her that I loved her though. Let’s fast-forward. The main problems I had in the relationship between Heather and I was:
A) I am a very giving person; I basically let her walk all over me at every opportunity and never stood up for myself because I was afraid of getting hurt.
B) Heather seemed to have this belief that relationships just magically worked out on their own, and that she shouldn’t have to do anything to make them work.
C) She wasn’t as considerate of how her circumstances effected me, and I spent a lot of time trying to make her feel better about her situation while the whole time I was crying out for the same on the inside
I remember sometime around Christmas, was our first major blow-out. I had basically gotten sick of the things listed above happening over and over again. I knew that if I confronted her with all of this it wouldn’t end well, so I commissioned a few friends to help me out, the aforementioned Miranda, and another friend, Ludin. Basically I sent them to tell her that if she didn’t change her tune real quick I was going to break up with her. Well, she modified her behavior just enough so that I wouldn’t break up with her, but these problems continued to recur over and over and over. Fast forward, we are now in early march. This is what I call the peak of our relationship, I got a Valentine’s Day card signed I love you from Heather, upon which I promptly just about died from happiness. Heather b-day and our anniversary was on the 25th of March, and we spent most of that day walking around Downtown D.C, one of the best days of my life. That whole month was probably the best of our relationship. Also in March, the NY trip. Our choir decided to take a trip to
D) The reason I broke up with Heather, this is the first time I’ve ever told this to anyone other than Ryan… The reason that I broke up with Heather was that she wouldn’t stand up for me to her father. I was tired of living in the shadows of her life. I was sick of being treated like a second rate boyfriend, especially since at this point she says she loves me. But most of all, I’m tired of not getting any consideration after all that I have put myself through to make her happy. (Reference example: On one of our anniversaries, I spent $55 on a bouquet of flowers which I surprised her with in the middle of chemistry class) that example was just one of the many things I did because I cared about her happiness more than mine. But eventually it just became too much to handle and I lost it. I knew it would happen eventually, I was just hoping it wouldn’t.
So let’s move on to the day I break up with her, since she would never make time for me, I decided I was going to break up with her on my terms. Just to give you an example of the way that I do things. I spent about 2.5 hours that morning getting ready, I borrowed a pair of sunglasses from Ryan, dressed up in my favorite “red shirt” and jeans. I made sure that everything about me was absolutely perfect, why? Because I wanted her to see what she could have had but thrown away. I wanted her to know what she was going to be missing and I wanted her to remember me at my best. When I snap, I get vicious and this was me at my most sadistic. You don’t fuck me over and get away with it. I went to her work to visit her, and when she came out I handed her back her ring, and told her I couldn’t do this anymore. She looked quite shocked, and then I left. I went right over to Amanda’s house after that, my hands were shaking. Later that night my best friends, whom I refer to as “the group” went out to go bowling, where I made the official announcement of my new relationship status, everyone was happy for me, because they, unlike Heather knew how miserable I had become because of that relationship. However, as much as I wanted to just move on with my life, lingering emotional attachments to her remained and these will come into play later.
The Transition Period
Being single was quite a new experience for me, having not been so for 9.5 months. I spent the entire summer hanging out with the group, in what was quite possibly the best time of my life. Enjoyed that more than anything else I’ve ever done. Let’s move on to the end of the summer, when I met Betsy. Betsy, probably the most different person from my usual dating style. Betsy, was my intellectual equal, and was the obvious conclusion to the relationship from Heather, that I needed someone who cared to understand how I felt rather than just assume that everything was okay. Well, this relationship started about mid-August. I never felt really attached t Betsy, and god she was a horrible kisser. I think Betsy was my rebound relationship from Heather. Well, just to show how evil I can be when upset. On the first day of school I wore the exact same outfit I had worn when I broke up with Heather, because I knew she would be in choir. Needless to say, she was visibly upset, and spent a lot of time glaring at me. Back to Betsy, it didn’t last very long. After about a month I realized that it wasn’t going to work, but the night I was going to break up with her she told me she loved me. I was floored… I decided to do the only thing I felt morally right about. Rather than break up with her, I was going to let her break up with me. The main reason was that, if I had broken up with her then she would have been heartbroken, rather than if I convinced her to break up with me, she wouldn’t be in love with me, and the ensuing aftermath would be 10 times easier for her to handle. Unfortunately only Ryan understood this plan, Miranda Betsy’s best friend took sides on the break-up, and needless to say that was the end of our friendship.
The Single Period
Betsy was done, and Heather was getting ready to go to
Christina a.k.a Evil Bitch Woman #1
Christina, was a girl that I met at a friend of a friends birthday party, we hit it off right from the start, the party was at an ice rink and we spent almost the entire time flirting, and me pushing her around and the two of us falling all over each other on the ice. It was probably #4 on the list of greatest nights. Christina was just as emotionally intense as I was, and I thought we were a perfect fit. The two of us began a quite heated relationship. There was lots of skipping school to stay home and fool around in my basement. That was probably the craziest most fun thing I ever did. Well, I totally fell for her and she led me to believe that she had totally fallen for me. Fast forward, prom night… Well we had a great prom, I had a blast, and then we went on a cruise for the after party. After we got back all of a sudden she became strangely distant to me. I really don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden I found myself in the middle of
Single Period
Well, it was at about this time that I decided that I was just going to try and enjoy life. However, I am a very emotionally intense person, so being alone usually gives me way too much time to think about things I probably shouldn’t think about. I began to question my own self-image. Questions like what people saw in me, and whether or not I was attractive became questions that would not leave me alone when I would try and go to sleep at night. This became quite tiresome, and eventually I kind of drove myself into a bit of depression. As strong willed and independent as I can be, I have this propensity to want to have someone else to care for, and that cares for me. This period covers most of my freshman year in college. As I went through the year, I made several friends but did not make any new close friends, this was a problem as my previous friends from high school and several of them that attended Mason, grew further and further away from me. I was being isolated and I didn’t really like it at all, this was annoying.
Fattema
Fattema, boy this was a complex short lived relationship. I don’t really know much of what to say about this one. At some point my friend Jason, introduced me to this girl, Fattema. We kind of hit it off, and I probably being somewhat emotionally desperate flung myself into the relationship far too quickly. I think my main problem with this relationship was that I threw myself into the relationship so fast that I actually scared myself out of it. There were many other mitigating issues, my father, who works for the CIA, was very very against the idea of me dating a foreign national, coupled with my paranoia I eventually just ended up freaking out and ending the relationship, albeit strangely by trying to push her away by not really talking with her. For more information on the relationship between her and I, I invite you to check out her blog. http://hollahatthefatty.motime.com and see her post entitled “The Chase”
Single, yet again
Single, again. This time I was even unhappy about my current state and was also going through some serious health issues, it was not a good time for me. The emotional distancing by my friends was really starting to wear on me, and I eventually sank deeper and deeper into this emotional void. With no one to really be there for me I seriously began to question whether or not there was something wrong with me and so on and so forth. Throughout the rest of my freshman year I had several almost starts of relationships but nothing ever really panned out the way that I wanted it too.
Lindsay… (A.k.a Evil Bitch Woman Supreme)
Her Name is forbidden to be spoken around me
Writing about this relationship is going to be very emotionally draining for me. Lindsay was a girl that I had know for a while, I met her my senior year in high school, she was a sophomore at the time. I always thought that she was cute, and that she had this special something about her, that made me want to be near her. I happened to run into her at Panera in August of 2003. She was helping out at Band Camp that my sister was attending so I told her that we would talk later. One day as I went to pick up my sister, I just so happened to bump into her (actually I totally planned it) but we got to talking and I asked her if she wanted to o grab some coffee sometime. Eventually, after about another half hour of conversation my sister pulled me away and I promised her that we would grab coffee. Fast forward a week, I met her for coffee at Panera, it was at this point in which I discovered I really liked her, in more than a friendship way. But I didn’t want to say anything or speed into it too fast like last time. So, we spent about an hour and a half talking at Panera, and I asked her out to dinner. She accepted, and the chase was on. I decided that I would be more subtle and allowed her to figure out herself that I liked her. I posted a poem that I had written about her, in my profile. The night I went to pick her up for dinner, she asked me whom I had written the poem about, I told her I wasn’t going to tell her… I kind of had the feeling that she knew I had written it about her. It was fairly obvious… Later that night after dinner, I took her out to one of my favorite chill spots, where we threw out a blanket and stargazed for quite a while. There was much conversing over meaningless things. The only memorable comment that was made was about wishing on shooting stars. Well the conversation continued and eventually she had to go. As we were leaving a plane flew overhead, and I said “well, it’s not shooting star, but I still have a wish that I’m making…” She asked what it was, and I told her I figured she knew. She did, and I leaned over and kissed her. My heart was going about a trillion miles an hour. I dropped her off at home, upon which we promptly spent the next 3 hours flirting and talking on AIM. I was hooked, and I had done exactly what I had tried to be careful not to do. I had fallen like a lead brick in the middle of the ocean. There were many problems initially in the relationship. It was in some ways very similar to Heather and mine’s relationship. We experienced several of the main problems. There were several dates, and then I was talking to her on the phone lone night, and as my friend Alex arrived, she had to get off the phone. As she said goodbye, she said “I love you” at which point I totally flipped out. Because I knew I was in love with her but I didn’t want to say anything and freak her out a la Heather Style. I spent the rest of the night in a state of euphoria. The next time I saw her I asked her about it, and her reply was that she said it because it just felt right to her. I was on cloud 9. The relationship continued but around November everything changed. Lindsay seemed to grow more and more colder towards me all the while I was trying to help her, she said she was having emotional problems that she didn’t want to talk about. Needless to say, I should have seen this as a big bright warning light. I continued to try to help her as she continued to push my help away. But she would still say that she loved me, I was becoming increasingly confused by all of this. Another major problem was that she would keep blowing stuff of, or always be late. She never seemed to care about my feelings, and basically just bitched about how badly she was feeling all the time. I was going through some very rough medical periods at the time myself. As a matter of fact I spent several nights in the Emergency Room, with some health issues. Well, things continued to get worse, yet for some reason I couldn’t seem to emotionally distance myself from her. I was truly in love with her, that kind of unconditional love, that no matter how badly the other person treats you; you just can’t help but still love them. Our relationship was emotionally abusive towards me, and it was really starting to have an impact on not only my emotional well-being but my physical well being also. November 14th. Oh boy, about a week before I had told Lindsay what I was feeling and she had told me she was sorry and that she would do whatever it took to make this work. I had talked to her the previous night and she had seemed strange, like she was sad. I told her that I would call her the next night, but it would probably be late, because I had to go in for a Biopsy, and I had two exams that day/night. Well, fast forward to November 14th at 700 pm. I was just getting ready for my computer science exam, the second exam of the day for me. I still had the bandage on my neck from where they had done the biopsy, and I was really feeling like shit. I got a phone call, but it only rang once, my phone was/is stupid like that. It sent the message directly to voice mail. Well I figured I would check the message after I looked over my notes one last time. After I finished going over my notes, I called my voice-mail service to check my messages. Right away I knew something was wrong, Lindsay’s mother was the one calling me. Lindsay had gotten her mother to call and break up with me over my cell phone voice mail. I totally flipped out. I struggled to sit down, but I missed the chair and fell over, combined with my medical test I had taken that day I literally felt sick. I went to the bathroom and threw up twice. However, I still had the exam left to take, so I sat down and started on my exam. About 20 minutes into the exam, I hadn’t answered a single question; all I could think about was Lindsay. After about another 3 minutes I broke down, sobbing in the middle of class. Not the kind of light crying like when you see someone slightly upset. I soaked my scantron with tears; my professor came over to me and asked me if something was up. I promptly handed her the exam told her I would explain later and ran out of the classroom. On my way out, I threw up outside as I was running over to the
Cancer of the Soul (a.k.a Fuck You Lindsay)
I began writing a lot more poetry, whereas most of the poetry I had been writing was romantic poetry for Lindsay, I began to write hate poetry, full of angst and about my feelings towards her. I would share some of these poems, but my book is pending publishing and I’ll just post them on motime later. I had lost my sense of reality and the only thing that kept me alive was my friends, without them… I’m not even going to get into what thoughts were going through my head at the time. Needless to say, I spent the next three months going though various other medical related shit. I had several more biopsies and was started on a light dosage of drugs to keep my tumor in check. All of this while trying to deal with the absolute emotional heartbreak I was still experiencing. It was in this time that I completed my book, the aptly titled “Cancer of the Soul” It made sense to me for many reasons. There is obviously the medical connotation in the problems that I was dealing with physically at the time. But also in a more abstract meaning, I began to hate love. Thus I wrote a poem that referred to love, as being a cancer of the soul. I meant it too. It took me until about Mid-April before I truly calmed back down again. I had a brief rebound relationship that lasted a few weeks, but it was not of any significance, rather just me trying to gain some grasp as to what was going on around me. Lindsay, e-mailed me telling me she had a problem with the way I was writing about her in my book. My response to anything about that is “Fuck Off! If you come anywhere near me I’ll file a restraining order on your ass. I’m only printing the truth, and you can’t commit slander by stating facts”
Now
We now arrive at the present time. I am still bitter, but I am over Lindsay. It took me a long time to do it, 6 months to recuperate from a 4 month relationship. But I am now ready to throw myself back into the pool. That is if anyone really wants me, since Lindsay I’ve had a hard time finding people to date. I don’t know what the problem is, maybe I’m just ugly, or something like that. I really don’t know. All I know is that I am ready to give myself to someone again. It won’t be until then that I will be able to completely block the past relationship out of my mind, to be replaced with my true self. I want more than anything in the world, to care for someone. I have an innate capacity to care for other people. Usually far more than they care about me, which goes for a lot of my friends. Most of my friends, do stuff that really pisses me off, but I let it go, because I am a nice person. Unfortunately, look at what being a nice person has gotten me so far. A minor heartbreak and in the case of Lindsay, almost complete and total self-destruction. I just hope that eventually I will be able to meet someone who knows what they want, and that what they want is me. I really want to find that someone. But in the meantime, I’m just going to have to wait it out and see what happens.
Posted by: hitokiriyuki at May 30, 2004 23:36 |
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