Don't Play With Fire, Unless You Can Handle Getting Burned

A Big Shiny Ball of Angst

Boy, I've just been a big ball of angst today. Jsut to clarify my previous post. I know that I'm loved, it's just that I'm a big fan of letting actions speak louder than words. I show all of my friends my lvoe for them, tehy know that I would gladly do anything for them. Sadly I don't know how many of them would do the same. It's not really an issue, because I know that I have the ability to care about people more than most people can even fathom. I have an innate need to comfort people, and I happen to think that I'm pretty good at it. The only problem is that I can't do the same for myself. I can't calm myself down, I need people to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need people to tell me that life will work out, I try to tell myself those sorts of things, but it never really works. All I really want to do right now is crawl up into a little ball in someone's lap and sleep, knowing that they will be there to protect me. I think that I give so much love to people it may just inevitably lead me to be disappointed in other peoples displays of caring. I'm not sure, but all I know is this. Actions speak much louder than words when it comes to me regarding this topic. Anyways, I'm done ranting for now, I'm sorry if I am making people uncomfortable I jsut haven't really had anybody to talk to about this, so I just needed to get it out there for everyone to see.

Anyone who has known me for any period of time should be fairly familiar with all of these issues. I've had abandonment issues all of my life. I've had issues with people using me all of my life, I've had issues trusting people all of my life. I've finally found someone that I can trust, but they are not here with me at the moment, and although I want to talk to them every single moment of every single day for the rest of my life, I'm so scared that by feeling that I will scare them away. I don't know what I would do if I did that, I'm just so afraid of all the bad things that could happen. It doesn't help that I have my semi-annual event of evil coming up (for those of you that don't know what I'm tlalking about, ask em sometime and I'll explain), it also doesn't help that I haven't really been able to chill with all of my friends.

Does anybody think I'm crazy? Because I sure as hell do. I'm totally crazy, I wish there was somethign I could do about the way I feel, but I just get the feelign that this is one of those things that only time will be able to work on, well time and being able to see her. But I don't know how likely the latter is for happening in the short term. And there I go again being paranoid, and getting that "feeling".

The "feeling" for me is something that I'll try to describe, basically if you can imagine a little voice inside of your head saying to me...
"Nobody could ever love you, you are too needy, too emotional, too turbulent"
"Even if somebody was able to love you, I'm sure that you would find a way to screw it all up"

So yeah, those are the feelings I have to contend with on a pretty much everyday basis. I know deep down inside that only one thing can cure those feelings, I know what it is, but describing it to other people basically makes me come off sounding like some sort of attention whore. I hate when the only time people will say thigns is in response to somethign you say. I hate having to fish for emotions, I hate pining for anything. I give all of myself to everyone else, and I only feel that it's a reasonable expectation to have some of that returned. So, don't wait for me to tell you how much you mean to me before you tell me. Cuz believe me as much as you think I know, everytime that I hear people say thigns like "I'm sorry you're not feeling well" or "You doin' okay" it makes the world a whole lot better for me.

Posted by: hitokiriyuki at August 20, 2004 11:18 | link | comments (2)
journals, writings

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#1  20 August 2004 - 23:10

 

you're not crazy, and if you are, than i am too.

jce_superbeast

#2  21 August 2004 - 20:14

 

(Joria here)

Man, I know what you mean, sometimes. It was so bad last winter, I wrote the following song (ironically, I didn't realize till later it's like a dark retelling of James Taylor's 'Sunny Skies')

Tangerine Skies

In my dreams I'm in sunny skies
flying the way that partridges fly
The sky is a peaceful aqua-marine
The rays of the sun taste like tangerine

I have my doubts about going outside
there's nothing but hardship, and hardache and lies
The wintery sky forshadows my doom
I might as well wait for it inside of my room

[chorus lyrics pending]

I have no fear of the monster under my bed
It's not as bad as the one in my head
That says that I'm worthless and won't go away
The only relief is to sleep through the day
All the day

If I day and fade away
Don't you cry for me
I'll be in a better place
maybe
One that tastes like Tangerines

Anonymous

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